Great Sunday Kinda lol .

Wow Today has been Great. Well ok not great-great but pretty great. lol. I've got a Stinking Cold though. I think it's because of my allergies, my head is stuffed up and my chest is getting congested. I am coughing and i'm taking robutussin along with Tylenol sinus. I'm hoping it works. Tomorrow is Shelbies kindergarten screening @ 10:15 so i'm hoping I feel better by then. Oh and i'm using that wonderful smelling Vicks Vapo-rub on my chest at night. I Hate that smell but it works. I do have some musinex (sp) and I may start taking it. Billy has used it before and swears by it. So at least i've got some if I need it.
Today Billy has been home almost all day. Ok doesn't sound like to much but Billy is Rarely home all day. lol. He drives me crazy sometimes when he Does stay home. He's the kind of person who has to be doing Something all the time. He can not just sit and be still lol. So all day he's been outside, He's cleaned out his truck and put a truck box in his truck from his other truck and messed around outside all day. He's now at his cousins house. The kids wanted to go with Daddy but I told them No! I can't Stand his cousin. All he does is sit around all day and Drink and get Drunk! I can't Stand him!! So the kids are watching movies right now. I need to get started on Supper but I just do Not feel like it yet. Ahhh just to be lazy for awhile sounds so great.

Shelbies Kindergarten Registration

Yesterday I went to the school and picked up the packet to register Shelbie for Kindergarten. O M G! Acccccccckkkkkkk. I can Not believe that my baby girl is going to go to kindergarten this fall. Why does time have to fly by so fast? it seems like she should still be a baby. It seems just like yesterday she has horrible colic and Acid reflux. Gosh. I am going to Bawl like a Big ole' baby on her first day. Heck I Almost cried just filling the papers out =(
We go on Monday at 10:15 for her Screening. She thought that Monday was her first day of school lol Boy she was a little scared there for a second. I know she'll do great though in K. She Loves preschool and makes friends so easily. Waahhhh My baby is getting to big.

Rain Rain Rain

Yep you get the idea lol. It's Raining Again. Weird but I was just complaining about 1 month ago about how dry it was. The lakes that we Love to go to in the spring and summer are down SO far it's scary! Boaters are having Accidents because the water is so low they are running into stumps and underwater hazards. Things that would have been so far underwater they wouldn't have been in the way are now wrecking boats! We love to go camping every year, for a week or just the weekend. Not to sure we're going to be able to do that this year though :( Gas is getting to high to drive very far. Arrgghh!
Ok I got off topic there lol. It's raining Cats and Dogs right now. It makes me want to get a Big bowl of popcorn and a blanket and curl up on the couch with a great movie and/Or good book. well since I don't have a good book right now lol it'll have to be a movie. It's a free Starz weekend on Dishnetwork! yeah! The only problem is finding a movie I like and that the kids can still see in case they come into the living room. We don't let them see bad violence and sex stuff. There is enough of that everywhere else! I wish I had the makings for some Soup. That would be great to go along with the movie, popcorn and blanket lol. Oh and a Bag of Frito-Lay BBQ sunflower Seeds. OMG I'm Addicted to those! Yum Yum Yum!! I eat them instead of getting into the junk food. Now to see what movies are coming on. That couch is calling me***

Spotting Again! TMI

I getting So tired of this! Every since we lost the baby my AF's have been Regular. Which is a miracle in itself since I never got AF regularly in oh.. 16 years! I would go 2-3 months without her and then have to take meds to get her sorry self here. Well Now they have decided to be regular. Wow! But the last 2 months i've been getting spotting about 1-2 weeks After AF leaves. AF started this month on April 9th. Lasted a bit longer then usual though 9 days instead of 7. now on CD 19 i'm spotting! Arrggghh! Light and Brown. Gross but i've even got some brown stringy looking stuff in there. Sorry to gross anyone out. But it looks like sewing thread. lol. Never had this before November. part of me thinks that my body is Still trying to get straightened out since I Did have a lot of tramua to my uterus and all that, and another part is a little scared. I don't want to have to go back to the DR. Especailly not the one who almost killed me. But then that whole clinic gives me Cold Chills and I get almost physically sick just Thinking about going there.
I talked to a friend Leah who knows so much about natural progetsterone (sp) and I think I may get some as soon as i can . I've used Wild yam cream when I was TTC Sam. i really didn't think it did much for me. But then I was probably using it wrong. lol.
I'm just so tired of this and Billy is too *wink wink* He thinks i'm making excuses for not messing around with him. lol. Men!!

Ack! I Hate Allergies

all Day yesterday and today so far i'm Sneezing. My sinuses are so messed up and stuffed up. I used my flonase the other day and I guess i'd be a good idea to keep using it. Lol. Tylenol sinus/allergy helps some too. I Love spring but Hate the allergies that come with it.

Crap! Just when I think we're getting Ahead

We get Slammed back down! I got a Big bill from my old Dr's office! From 2004! Apparently my insurance Sucked and I didn't even know it! We now have a differant insurance and of course it sucks worse! The bill is only $305.00!!!!!! HUH?! Ummm Why didn't I get bills before it was turned over to collections!? Yep now i've got this Really sweet lady calling me. Note the sarcasam! She's a Witch! Saying that I can only pay this in 2 payments! Umm there is No way possible for me to do that! I just sat down the other day and paid almost $200.00 worth of bills from Dr's! Why oh Why can't insurance just Pay what they are supposed to pay? I mean Crap my Co-pay per Dr visit is $40.00! Then I get another bill for whatever insurance doesn't pay! Sh*T So now I have to figure out How to pay this bill. I paid $78.53 today on it. So th ey will call me next month about it. Gosh I'm So tired of this mess. It just seems to keep piling on. And with Summer coming I won't have any $$ coming in from Subbing. Why can't someone Really rich take pity on me and give me some much needed money? lol.
God help us Please

Brrrrr

It is So cold here today. I know I know just the other day I was complaining about it being Hot lol but today is Cloudy, Rainy and only 58 degrees. It has rained for the last 2 days off and on and tomorrow is supposed to be pretty. then the rain is supposed to start back up. We Really need it though so i'm not going to complain to much. But not just rainy this weekend the high is only supposed to be around 59 or so. Brrrr. I think we may have put the stove in the storage to soon. lol.

Wow That work lol

I Really like that Car. We haven't actually went and Seen it yet but I saw one the other day and it looks really pretty and big enough for all of us. I really like the price lol.
I would Love nothing more then to go and buy it right now. Well if not this car then another one of these days. God knows when it'll be best.

Try again.

http://www.starshopperautos.com/autos/listingdetail.asp?ID=25061&region=Northwest%20Arkansas

This is the Car I want

http://http://www.starshopperautos.com/autos/listingdetail.asp?ID=25061&region=Northwest%20Arkansas


Let's see if this works.
If it doesn't it's a 2004 Chevy Malibu. White and only 27,759 miles on it. I carfaxed it and it's got a Great rating. No accidents etc.. And only $8,995.00!! That is a great price. I just wish we could get it. =(

Trying to fix BIllys Truck

Right now Billy drives a 1976 Ford truck. He and his friend scott fixed it up a few years ago to drive. well it's a Very bare truck. No padding inside just a Seat and dashboard. I Hate that! It scares me to death when he drives it. Especially when he's got the kids with him. Plus the stupid truck Sucks Gas so much! I mean he's getting around $20.00 of Gas every other day!! We can Not afford that! He still has his 1993 Ford truck too and it's just sitting in the driveway and we've been getting parts off of it whenever My truck needs them. My truck Sucks too! Always tearing up and breaking down But we really can't afford to get a New vehicle right now. :( A real catch 22. We need a car but can't afford one But then we'd probably save a LOT on gas and parts If we got one. Arrgghh! What to do?!
So anyway Billy went over to his friends house last night to try to fix a part on his 1973 truck. Come to find out he needs a new part for it. It's got something to do with the drive line or something. The way he explained it to me is that if he Or I were driving it and that bad part went out there was NO way to Steer the truck! OMG that's Scary!! Well last night he didn't know if we could even afford the new part so he just came home with the truck. We could have afford it but he didn't know that. He told Scott that he'd get the part Thursday and they'd fix it friday. Well we got to talking about it and figured that it would be Cheaper and better if we went and fixed the Other truck the 1993 one. So i got online last night. ( I LOVE being able to research online lol) and figured out how much everything he needed for his truck would cost. Well it is almost $100.00 Not to bad BUT we don't have that much right now. =( I Hate being broke! I am subbing as much as I can but I only get paid once a month. Which does mean that I have a check coming to me. It should be around $170 or maybe a little less.
So anyway lol. Billy said that the 93 truck would be better on gas So I researched online last night about Thermostat housings for his 93 truck. well of course none of the area Parts stores have that! since his truck is older! So I found a site that had one! and only $12.00! Wow! So we went ahead and bought it. Yeah! So it should get here in a couple of days. All in all it was $17.89 with the tax. We also decided that we'd buy parts for the truck as we could. But i'm hoping that we'll have the extra $$ to get them all soon. It would be Very worth it if it saves us money on gas.

My Day

Well this morning Billy took off to Mow, For the last 3 years we've had a job of mowing a Churches Yard and cemetary and a Little cemetary. It's a Lot of hard work but we get Extra money. $235.00 each time we mow. It helps a LOT in the summer especially since I can't sub in the summer. And with Gas so high I'm glad we have the job. So Billy took off this morning and told me to wait till around 12:00 noon and bring him some lunch and then I could help him. I usually let him use the riding mower and I use the weed eatter. When I got there after dropping shelbie off with granny he had already gotten a lot done. So we ate and then I got busy. Man it was h ard getting back into the swing of that. There are Sooo many headstones to weedeat around . After awhile Billy let me use the mower and I finished up the Open spaces, i'm Not good at mowing around the headstones lol. Well as soon as I finished that I moved down to the parking area. I was just about finished with that when it got Really dark and BIG black clouds rolled in. BIlly motioned to me to put the mower up and then it started to Rain!
We drove home and it hailed on us and rained so hard that I could hardly even see the road. I hate driving through mess like that. Finally we made it home and I had to change clothes I was so Cold and wet. Billy took off a little while ago since it stopped raining and he's finishing up.

Our Sweet Dog Sammy Died

I'm just so Sad. Our wonderful dog Sammy died. She was 14 years old and lived a wonderful long life. She was The best dog in the world. She was so protective and loved nothing more then to jump up in your lap and let you pet her and Cheese. She Loved Cheese. In the last year Sammy had gone more and more Deaf. It was so hard to see her so old. She laid down outside last night and wouldn't get up. She would raise her head every once and awhile. So we Sat outside on the ground with her and talked to her and told her how much we loved her and how much we would miss her and what an Honor it was to be her mommy.
It just made yesterday harder. 5 months ago yesterday we lost our baby and then we lost our canine baby too. Gosh i'm going to miss my Sweet Sammy girl so much.

I don't know What I would do without my Friends

And you know who you are. Sometimes I'm almost afraid to post something, Not because of my friends, Never Ever because of them. But because I feel like Sound like i'm whining almost.
I know that I have Every right to mourn and grieve and bitch and moan all I want but I guess i've heard it from others some times that I need to Stop and let it go, that I'm almost leary of saying anything else.
I don't want anyone to feel like i'm being whiney. I guess it just helps me so much to write everything down, to get it Out there so it's not bottled up inside. I don't talk to Billy about this because i've tried and he won't say much. I know he's Sad too but i'm sure Men don't feel the same way about it as women do.

Anyway back to my friends. Every since we lost our baby I have been surrounded by THE most Wonderful, Loving, Caring, supportive women in the Entire world. I may have never met them in "Real" life but they mean the World to me. Jen (EC) and Jen (Veggie) and Melissa and Tanya and Brid and so many others that I'm sorry that I might not name. But i'm So blessed. Beyond measure i'm blessed.
I want ya'll my wonderful friends to know how Very much you mean to me. Thank you for being my friends! I Love you all!!

Just to Add

Today started out Great. As you can read from my first post of the day. But then Bam!
5 months ago today our baby died. 5 months that seems like a Lifetime.

Right now I feel Very Jealous! God Forgive me but I do.

5 Months today

It's been 5 months today. Don't feel like saying more = (

Beautiful Saturday

Today is Gorgeous! Sunny with a nice breeze and 78. I Love this kind of weather. not to hot and not to cold lol.
Sam went fishing this morning with his grandpa. They were both So excited to get to go. I can't wait till he gets home and I see how many fish he caught and hear all about his fishing trip. Pook kiddo got up Early to go but he didn't seem to care. lol.
Shelbie and I have been playing outside and doing laundry etc.. It's just to yucky to stay inside for long though.

YIKES! Snake in Our Front Yard!

Ok this is not that unusual but OMG I was Hoping and Praying That This year we wouldn't have any in our yard. The kids are running all over the yard and I hate the thoughts of any snakes being around them.
Shelbie yelled at me that the Cat had something and she thought it was a snake So I ran outside and sure enough the cat had a baby Copper head snake! Arrgghhh! I Hate Hate Hate Snakes!
I wish i knew Something that would keep them OUT of our yard.

Fun and Field Day

Sams School had their Annual "Fun and Field day" today. it was for grades 3-6th. Of course the school Begged for volunteers so I signed up. Can you say Sucker?! lol. Yep i'm a sucker when it comes to the school needing help. We got there today a little late, we had some trouble with the truck. So Sam went to his class and I went to the practice field to help. A company was there airing up those HUGE inflatable toys. The ones where the kids can play in and on them. There was 4 of them and they were fun. ummm Talking from experience there LOL
So after they were inflated I was in charge of one of them. it was an Obstacle course. It was Nuts! I had to keep trying to get the kids to follow the rules of the ride but OMg they would Not listen! Near the end of the course there is a big wall with little toe holds and ropes to climb up to get to slide down to the end. now all of this stuff is inflated so it's not hard or have any sharp edges. Plus everytime you leaned against something it would collapse with you. At one point 2 classes of 3rd grades were taking turns going in and there became a HUGE pile up below the climbing wall. I ended up having to crawl through the course tothem to get them separtated and help kids Up the wall. it was Hard! And kids were getting knocked down and stepped on. I finally had enough and Yelled "Everyone Stop!" And they did. Amazing. lol. We finally got it all straigtened out and the kids out of the pileup. Arrgghhh! Non of that would have happened if they would have Just listened! I finally got lunch at 11:50 and I was sooo Tired. So after I ate lunch I decided that I had had enough of F&F day. I had a Bad headache and so I picked up Sam early and we got shelbie from Grandmas and came home. I am so give out right now I could go to sleep so easily. Yawnnnn

Picture of my Girl and her Missing tooth.

Shelbie is Very proud of that missing tooth. lol.

My Cousins Wife had her baby. Premature

Well yet another baby is born. Dang i'm surrounded everywhere I go and everything I seem to read is Babies!!
My Cousins wife the one I wrote about a couple of entries ago had her baby last night. A Girl, They have 3 boys, Twins from her another relationship and then a boy who's around 2 with my cousin and now a girl. She was premie. Only 4 lbs. My mom said she was 3 weeks early. I asked my mom if maybe just Maybe T's Smoking and eatting Crap may have had anything to do with the baby being so small And early? @@ Rolleyes!! Her Ob was after her from day 1 to Quit smoking! And did she? NO! It Pisses me off so much! She could not give a Crap about her other kids so Ok lets have another one And not tell DH your trying to get pregnant! My cousin about had a heart attack when he found out she was preg. Whatsha want to bet she'll get pregnant again in less then a Year? Arrgghh! She's a Loser!

Shelbie Lost her First Tooth!

Since January Shelbie has had 6 Loose teeth. I didn't even know it until the dental hygenist told us. It felt like it's so early for her to be having lose teeth but I guess it's ok at 5 years old. One of her bottom teeth had been getting loser and loser and yesterday at her Grandmas house it got Really lose. She was eatting an Apple and it almost came out and it was bleeding which freaked her out pretty bad. Well it didn't fall out then but last night after her bath we were brushing her teeth and I let her brush after me and she kept saying that she didn't want to brush the loose one because it hurt. So I told her that she could just brush the others. Well I guess after a while she forgot about it and brushed the lose one and POP it came out. OMG the look on her face was Priceless. Lol. She was so shocked and a little scared. She kept saying " Mom I can't believe my tooth just came out" Over and over. And she yelled for Daddy to come see. He was excited of course and I about broke into tears. My babies first lost tooth. :(
I"m sad because it means she's getting bigger and bigger. :( Next stop College. lol.
The tooth fairy brought her $3.00 and then grandpa gave her another dollar. lol.
She's loading up on the $$ for sure. lol
She was so excited to go to preschool today to show all her friends where her tooth Used to be.

Off to Sub I go

Well i'm trying to get some stuff done this morning before I have to go to work. They called me Friday and asked me to Substitute Today, only 1/2 a day from 11:30-3:00 But it's $30.00 I didn't have before. lol. Today is for Kindergarten. I'm not used to kindergarten this year. I subbed some for K last year but not so far this year. It's harder to sub for K. well I think it is anyway. The kiddos are so much younger and it's harder at times to get them to listen and do their work. I'm just more used to 1st grade and second. I don't do the Older grades like 5th on.. I can't take the smart mouths of those kids. Well the ones I know anyway. lol.
My MIL and FIL are coming up here today to take care of shelbie. Shelbie is soo excited! She even cleaned her room yesterday afternoon in all the excitment of gran coming. LOL It was to cute.
It seems like this week is going to be busy too, Tomorrow shelbies preschool is going to a Farm animals thing. It's not at a farm but I guess the animal owners bring the animals to an Equine center and the kids go there to see them. I've been before with sams class and with my friends day care class and It was a lot of fun. I need to remember my camera. Then so far nothing going on Wednesday. thursday shelbie has school again and then Friday Sams school has their "Fun and Field day" It's a day of all games and fun. It's been so much fun in the past and i'm praying that the weather stays great and it's fun this year too. Last year was Cold and rainy so we had to have it in the PE room. Not tomuch fun and omg it was so loud I got a major headache. I need to make sure my MIL can watch Shelbie for me.
Well off to get more stuff done before I have to leave. I'm praying for a great day!!

To Veggie Jen ie: Crawdads

Well Jen asked me what we were going to do with the Crawdads. Well with these Billy caught He fished with them today in a fishing tournament. The Bass Love them and you can really catch some good fish with them. You can also eat them, Boil em just like crab legs or lobster. YUM. Sorry Jen. lol Love ya!!

Busy Saturday in the Yard

Wow i've done a lot today. Outside anyway lol. I cleaned off our porch. That was a job and a half in it's self. We burn wood for heat so there was 2 big piles of wood on our porch and since it's been in the 80's I figured it was time to get it off the porch. I pulled the truck up to the porch and started pitching wood into it. It took what seems like forever to get it all done. And then the fun part of sweeping. Shelbie was a sweetie and helped me alot with that. Billy had a fishing tournament today with his dad so he's there right now. He only caught 2 bass big enough to keep but that's better then nothing I guess. lol. He's going to birng them home for my grandpa who's been wanting some fresh fish to eat. I cleaned up a bunch of the yard today too. Now i'm working on the Inside of the house. lo. At least the laundry is done. I need to put the folded laundry away but at least it's folded and ready. I think we're supposed to have company later on today so I need to get busy vacumming the living room and putting away stuff that the kids have brought in the living room. wellshelbie did that away Sam is pretty good about putting his stuff up. It's beautiful again today. Sunny and a High of 82! gotta love that.
Feeling pretty good today so far and I'm praying that it contiunes.

Shopping with a 5 year old

Gets Expensive! I usually do my grocery shopping alone. It's about the only time I get to myself lol plus I can get what we Need instead of stuff the kids Want. Well my MIL kept shelbie some for me yesterday so I hated to ask her to keep her again today. I knew she would have if I had asked but I hated to. So I took Lil miss S to town with me. BIG Mistake! lol.
That kid is a " can I have" Everything she saw she asked for . Everything. Candy, Fruit, Chips, Ice cream etc.. I ended up buying at least $10.00 more stuff then I inteded to do when I went In the store. We ended up with Oranges which is good but also a Juicer so she can make her own orange juice like grandma. lol. And Pop and Fudge popcycles. Yum but not good for ya. lol
Billy called and he's going to come home soon and take the kids down to the creek and catch Crawdads. Shelbie is very excited. Not so much about the crawdads but the creek and water. lol, That kid would play in a puddle of mud if ya let her. Wow that means that I might just have a little time to myself. Whooo HOooo.

Shelbies Parent-Teacher Conferance

Well it went Great! My girl is Smart! lol. Of course this was a Preschool PT conferance but i'm proud anyway. She made all C's which means "Continually" and 1 E which means Emerging. So the only thing she's having problems with is knowing which letter a word starts with when asked. Which Is a Kindergarten level and all the kids in the class had a problem with that one. A kindergarten Aide taught me a song about the letters so Maybe that will help her to learn them faster. I mean she can tell you the letters when you show her the letters butcan't tell you what the word starts with. Her Teacher said that she is Great in class and is a wonderful example for the other kids. =) That's my girl!! I am hoping that this continues through Kindergarten too.

Irritated at Sams therapist

Today at 2:30 Sam was supposed to have a Therapy appt. He felt more comfortable having it at the Office instead of at the school so I picked him up a little before his appt and went. We get there and Sit and wait and wait and wait. Finally I found someone to ask about his appt and the Recept called melissa (his therapist) and she was on her way home! She had Totally confused his appt! She thought it was for Tomorrow @ 2:30! So I drove all that way for Nothing! I'm ticked! Gas it way to high to drive 25 min for nothing. So he's having it tomorrow at the school. I can't afford to drive all that way again tomorrow when I have to drive to another town to get groceries etc.. it's just to expensive. Oh well, it will work out i'm just a little ticked.

Finally a Day at home

Wow it's funny but i'm soo glad to have a Day here At home! Last week was Crazy between Subbing Tuesday, Wed and thursday and then again Monday and my house was a Wreck! I just did what I Had to do to get by that week lol. Yesterday Shelbie had Preschool and an Easter egg hunt at school, Her teacher asked me to help and of course I happily said Yes! I love helping out like that. Especailly since I know with shelbie in K next year and Sam in school too that I'll either be working F/T or subbing as much as I can and I might have to miss out on a lot of her kindergarten activities :( I hate that thought. I've been blessed to be able to go to all of Sams trips @ school and Shelbies at preschool. I'm going to really miss not being able to go with them. Right now Shelbie is in her room Crying! She is soo mad at me because I will not let her play in the water. Ummm it's not warm enough for that yet. But she still wants to! Our old swimming pool got broken over the winter when it snowed on it and the dogs jumped on it and broke it. So we have to get a new one. But then $$ is a problem! I only get paid for subbing once a month so i'll have to wait. Plus this month we have truck insurance. Yikes! Gotta pay for that. Why is it that just when you think you're getting ahead in finances there is Always something come along to tell you otherwise. we're back to being broke again. :( But I can say that we held on to that income tax refund as long as we could. Gas prices are killing us! In most places around here it's already up to $2.69 a gallon! That is Sick! Plus Billys truck sucks gas. He only gets about 13 miles to the gallon!!! I wish we had the $$ to get a car right now. We need one Badly. But it's best to wait i know that but it's hard. I had to go and marry for Love instead of money lol. Just kidding. I love Billy sooo much and would never leave him.
Well back to the grind. i've got 1 load of laundry on the line drying and need to put another one on. I love the smell of laundry dried on the clothes line outside. ahhh Fresh!

Long Day at School

OMG i'm sooo tired right now. I subbed for Intervention today and had to be at school early since I had AM bus duty. So I got up and got around and then got Sam around and got to school Early, Wayyyy to early! I wanted to make sure I got there before the buses did so I left way to early. Arrgghh i'll not do that again. So all day long i've been so tired. I mean barely keep my eyes open.. Yawn and Yawn tired. I feel like ive got brain fog. I hate feeling this way, I can barely concentrate. I really like subbing for intervention because it's so differant from being in the classroom all day. You go to differant classes and see if any of the kids need help with work etc.. I really like that. I feel like i'm making a differance to them. My plan for this fall is to either Substitute Every day they need me because both kids will be in school Or to try hard to get on at the school F/T. I really enjoy subbing there. Everyone is really nice and Very helpful.
The only bad thing about today was that I was Surrounded by Pregnant women! The secretary is in labor right now and another Sub is going into induction tomorrow. I had to walk the other way when she was there today. I couldn't help but feel jealous. And I hate that!!

Well that helps

AF is here finally, She's a week late and I have to be honest, I was starting to worry. I do not want to be pregnant again. Ever. I feel Terror when I even think about it.
So hormones are probably contributing to my moody Sad day. But i'm so glad AF is here.

Feeling down

Most of today was Really good. That is until I talked to my cousins Wife who's pregnant. She's due just before I would have been due with our baby. She Was talking about all the baby stuff she bought, Sleepers and bibs and little socks and dresses. Oh It hurt! I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but it almost seems like everyone has forgotten Our loss. It's almost like to others it never happened. Like We didn't lose our baby and that we're not still grieving. It hurts!! I should be 34 weeks pregnant Today! Damn it! I don't want to be feeling this way today. It's been such a great day. Until now. = ( I should be planning the C-section day and wondering what the baby will wear home from the hospital and who will watch Sam and Shelbie while i'm in the hospital. I should be Huge and uncomfortable and wishing that the day was already here. But i'm not! She is. I would never for one second wish this pain on her, I just wish that maybe just maybe she would have stopped to think about how I was feeling while she was spouting off about all the pretty stuff she bought for HER baby. Just been a little more senstive to how it made Me feel. Is that to much to ask?! Yes I still hurt! Yes I still grieve. Yes I still yurn for our baby and wish to God that he was here in my womb under my heart, healthy and safe. I WISH!!!!!! But all I have now is an empty place in me where he is supposed to be. And dreams of what he would have looked like and sounded like. Oh God I would have given my right arm to have had my baby still inside me. 4 months is not enough time to get over this. A lifetime is not enough.
Sometimes I go outside at night and I look up at the littlest star and think that maybe that he can see me from heaven. And I talk to him. I tell him that mommy Loves him so much and I tried everything I could to keep him safe and healthy. What did I do wrong? That still haunts me. What did I do that was so wrong that God had to take MY baby? I know i'll never know. And that hurts so much.

Stupid things Parents do!

We found out from Sam and shelbie yesterday that my Dad had a Gun under his bed!
Thank God my kids know enough about Guns to Never touch one. we have guns but they are Locked away and the kids can not get to them. My Dad has a gun cabinet but this gun apparently was not in it!
So when I took the kids out to my parents last night I asked my Dad about it.
Sure enough it was there! Barely under the bed. He couldn't even remember Why it was there!! So I asked him to put it away. He was slow doing it so I went and did it!
I got it from under the bed and it was a Pump action 22! My Dad came in then and took the gun from me. IT WAS LOADED!!!!!!!
My Dad who is Sooo Protective of my kids and my niece and nephew left a LOADED Gun under his bed where then his grand kids Found it. I was SO mad! I told him "Good God Dad! You left a Loaded gun where your grand kids could find it!" His defense was that it had the safety on!
Ummmm how long would it take for the kids to take care of that?!!
He put it away but now I know that I am just not going to feel that my kids are as safe there as I thought they were :( That makes me so Sad

Lazy Day

It's so pretty here today. Sunny and 69 degrees but Sam is refusing to go outside. Both kids stayed all night with my parents and I picked them up around 11:30 or so and when I picked them up they were in good moods, but since we got home Shelbie has been a whirly dervish Inside, outside inside outside back and forth. Jumping on the trampoline and then running with the dogs. She's having a Blast! Sam on the other hand is just wanting to sit... Sit and bug me. Lol. Not really, But he won't go outside and all he wants to do is play his game boy. Apparently he's trying to beat a level on Donkey Kong he's never beat. He's getting so mad when he can't. He's in his room now instead of behind me in the lliving room. I'm about to go and take that Game boy away from him and Make him go outside. He needs the fresh air.
I on the other hand have been working like a Dog all day. well ok not all day lol.
I substituted Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and my house shows it. All I did when I got home from school those days was to do a little laundry and a few dishes. Just enough to get by. Now it's a mess! I've got about 4-5 loads of laundry to do plus dishes and Bathrooms! YUCK!
I hate doing bathrooms.
Plus finding something for supper. I honestly wish I had a Chef! Oh and a Maid! lol

First Entry

Wow So here it Starts. My first entry.
So I guess i'll start with my name is Shelly. I've been Happily married to my high school sweetheart since May 1990! Wow almost 16 years! We have 2 wonderful kids, Sam is 9 and in 3rd grade and Shelbie is 5 and in preschool. She'll go to kindergarten this fall. It's breaking my heart :(
We also have a baby in heaven. We lost him on November 22nd of 2005. He had Trisomy 18 and died in utero at 15 weeks 2 days. I have had a hard time dealing with his loss. And what makes it harder was the recovery from the mistake that the dr made which put me in ICU for 5 days and on a Ventiltor for 2 of those days. He reptured my uterus during the D&C and punctured a hole in it. I came very very close to death. My cousin Sarah said that when the ambulance pulled up to the ER at the main hospital she was there and when they brought me out of the ambulance my heart rate was NOTHING. I had No heart rate at all. Thank God I don't remember that. Though what is weird is that everytime I see or hear an ambulance I shudder. And feel fear. probably just my imagination. I still hurt so much thinking about our baby. His name is Zachary. Gosh I miss him so much. And sometimes at night i'll go outside and look up at the tinest star and talk to him. I think he can hear me in heaven. It helps to know that he's not suffering and he has no pain with God.
I wish I could say the same about me.
I'm a Stay at home mom, i've been a SAHM since 1996! Wow that's a long time. lol. I have Loved it so much. i'm so blessed to know that I got to see their firsts and I got to instill their values. I hate to think about this coming fall when I have to go back to work. But really I need to $$ wise.
My poor DH Billy has worked so hard to provide for us and I Love him for that. It's just My turn to help out.
More later