Feeling down

Most of today was Really good. That is until I talked to my cousins Wife who's pregnant. She's due just before I would have been due with our baby. She Was talking about all the baby stuff she bought, Sleepers and bibs and little socks and dresses. Oh It hurt! I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but it almost seems like everyone has forgotten Our loss. It's almost like to others it never happened. Like We didn't lose our baby and that we're not still grieving. It hurts!! I should be 34 weeks pregnant Today! Damn it! I don't want to be feeling this way today. It's been such a great day. Until now. = ( I should be planning the C-section day and wondering what the baby will wear home from the hospital and who will watch Sam and Shelbie while i'm in the hospital. I should be Huge and uncomfortable and wishing that the day was already here. But i'm not! She is. I would never for one second wish this pain on her, I just wish that maybe just maybe she would have stopped to think about how I was feeling while she was spouting off about all the pretty stuff she bought for HER baby. Just been a little more senstive to how it made Me feel. Is that to much to ask?! Yes I still hurt! Yes I still grieve. Yes I still yurn for our baby and wish to God that he was here in my womb under my heart, healthy and safe. I WISH!!!!!! But all I have now is an empty place in me where he is supposed to be. And dreams of what he would have looked like and sounded like. Oh God I would have given my right arm to have had my baby still inside me. 4 months is not enough time to get over this. A lifetime is not enough.
Sometimes I go outside at night and I look up at the littlest star and think that maybe that he can see me from heaven. And I talk to him. I tell him that mommy Loves him so much and I tried everything I could to keep him safe and healthy. What did I do wrong? That still haunts me. What did I do that was so wrong that God had to take MY baby? I know i'll never know. And that hurts so much.