Snowing like Crazy & my Paycheck.

Right now i'ts snowing like crazy! I'm loving sitting here at my computer by the window watching the snow fall in big huge flakes. It's so pretty. Everything looks so fresh and clean and SO cold! The kids got out of school early so they were home by 1:25. Billy is at work, which i'm hateing because he's got to drive in this slick mess. I texted him to tell him to be Very Very careful. I'm hoping that the school is closed tomorrow. Ahh the thought of sleeping late is so wonderful. lol.
I got my check today from subbing in december. After I got it I looked at it while I was still at the admin office and what do you know? It's short a 1/2 day! Shit! On a day when I Desperatly Seriously need any and all the $$ I can get I get shorted on my paycheck! And of course they can't just cut me a new check! Nope it will be on the Next check i'll get in FEB! Shit! before I put my check in the bank we were just about - balance. Gosh I hate being broke!

Just documenting

AF ended yesterday. I'm going to try to keep up with it and if I start spotting this time between this AF and the next. I'm Praying that I Don't spot but want to keep up w/ it in case I do. I have an appt in Feb with my Ob/gyn so we'll see.

Something is up. Sam is Quiet!

Ok I don't know if i'm just getting paranoid or something but i'm beginning to think that Sam is up to something. hummm but What? I have no idea. My son is quiet today. Yes.... Quiet! He's not Sick. Thank God. I think he's just found something to keep himself busy today or something. He'll run into the living room or kitchen and get something to eat or whatever and then he's off again. I just can't get over the feeling my son is planning a revolt or somthing. kinda worrying here.

Shhh Don't tell my Daughter!

Just a heads up, but if Shelbie asks any of ya'll if you've seen her Violet & Lavendar Body spray, Please Cover for me and tell her No. I've hide it from her. It Stinks to high heaven and giving me a headache and she is dead set on spraying her entire body And bedroom in that stinky shit! I had to do it..
I know,, I'm a bad bad mommy.

What have I done today?

A whole hell of a lot of Nothing. The kids are happy watching movies and playing and for once it's kinda quiet here today. Oh other then shelbie screaming at me every once in awhile to come do something for her. lol. And that kid can scream! I've sat right here in this computer chair about all day. Doing what you ask? Ok i'll tell you. I've been reading blogs. Blogs of people I have no idea who they are lol. You know how you find a blog of someone and it grabs your attention or it sparks something in you to read more? Well I found one the other day and I bookmarked it. I wanted to keep up with what was going on in her life. See she'd lost a baby about the same time we lost Zach. It sparked a kind of kinship in me to learn more about her. To find out what was going on with her life. So after I read her entire longggg blog I then clicked on her list of the blogs She reads and it's a vicious cycle from there. LOL I'm just lurking but I did read a blog the other day that I left a comment for. She had lost her baby to Trisomy 18 like we did Zach. I guess it's kind of like watching someone go about their day or life and just being an easedropper lol. So i've sat here all day reading. well Ok not all day but most of it. I've done laundry and I even fed my kids. *gasp* But there's a lot more to get done so I know I need to get off my Fat butt and do it. And i've been going sites trying to see if there is any new news on a certain new mr. Man. I'm dying to hear more and more and more. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a Very special little man out there. You're So loved And So incredibly wanted.

Tears

Gosh it's to early in the day for this. lol. But i'm already crying. But unlike so many tears i've cried in the last few years These are Happy tears. Extremely happy tears. Because my wonderful friend is getting her dream. A dream that has been So long in coming. It's funny how some people that you meet online and probably never meet IRL can become so important to you. More important to me then some of my IRL friends lol. How you want So much to be able to help them in anyway you can. How you pray for them and worry for and about them. I wish I could be there for her today IRL to see her face as her miracle arrives.

I remember how it felt when we had Sam. A day that I thought would Never come. Gosh I feel so incredibly niave(sp) now thinking back to when we were TTC Sam. I thought that as soon as we quit Birth control and we started TTC that that would be It! We'd be pregnant in no time and we'd have that baby in 9 months. Period! Wow how nieve could I be. In my defense there wasn't anyone in my family who'd had any kind of fertility problems. Everyone I knew that had kids had them when They wanted and easily. In fact 2 of my Aunts had kids When they weren't even trying. Mid life babies lol. My cousin L got pregnant with All of her kids while on Birth control. One of them while she was on Depo provera shot! That is how fertile she was. So why would it have even entered my mind that WE would be the ones who had problems concieving? who knew. God knew. It wasn't the time for us then. Gosh I remember trying for a whole year and 1/2 without any luck. and finally breaking down and talking to my Ob/gyn abdout why we weren't pregnant. That was hard. Hard because I was afraid that it was my fault. It was. I didn't ovulate. I mean barely at all. we had so many tests. I'd go in month after month to have them check my ovulation. nothing. And Charting my temps. yuck! That was a PINA. But we did it. Billy even got a sperm annalysis and he was fine. Fantastic in fact. Very high levels. And finally Clomid. I used that for awhile with no luck. Until I was at the highest level of clomid possible and going nuts. Literally nuts. I spiraled into a horrible depression. Right about then one of my cousins T got pregnant. Not married and kept saying that she didn't want the baby. We even talked about adopting her baby but in the end she decided to keep him. Her son E is now in 6th grade. I look at him and I think how he just might have been our son. But God had other plans. I saw a Dr for my depression and he put me on bc pills. just to straighten my cycles out and give my body a rest from the Clomid etc.. I stayed on them for 3 months and then went off. And then 2 months later the most Amazing thing happend. I was late for me period But that was normal for me. I can only atribute it to the voice of God tell ing me because I was keeping a friends son for a few days while she was out of town and we'd gone to walmart and I got a pregnancy test. Just knowing in my heart that it would be Neg just like the other 100's that i'd taken in the past. but guess what? It was POSITIVE! O M G I couldn't believe it. So we ran Back to walmart and got another one. + too! Wow. It was so funny telling Billy because he called me on his way home from work to see if I needed anything and I said " No just hurry home.... DADDY" and hung up. LOL I think he was home in 5 min when it usually took him 15. LOL I wish I had a picture of his face when he got out of the truck. Shock, awe and a bit of confusion. :) He asked me he'd heard what he thought he'd heard. and I said Yes we're going to have a baby. Omg i'll remember that day until I die. I know now that God's plan was the best plan for us. If we'd had Sam when we first tired there had been no way i'd have been able to be a sahm with him and then shelbie too. He knew the exact time for us. I'm so Thankful he did.

So as my friend gets her dream today or very soon after whenever that bundle decides to arrive lol. My prayers are flying off my lips for her. I've been praying for her miracle to be healthy, safe and wonderful. And that her dream brings her as much love and joy and incredible happiness that my dreams brought to me. Miracles Do happen and Dreams DO come true. I guess sometimes we have to wait for them, Even when we dont' want to.

Shelbies gotta Boy friend, Eye Exams and bears OH MY

Ok maybe not bears but hey it sounded good lol. Just wanted to put a few things down so I won't forget them.
Shelbie told me last night that she has a Boy friend. aww! His name is James and he's in her class. She talks about him all the time and it's so cute to hear her. The funny thing is that she really doesn't understand all this Boyfriend-girlfriend stuff because she Says that James is her boyfriend But James just doens't know it yet. LOL She's to cute!
Sam told me the other day that he likes a girl in his class. He wouldn't tell me her name but he says that she's really pretty. I think a girl named Dakota has a crush on him because he comes home almost everyday saying that she's Hit him and the other day she kicked him 3 times the in back! That ticked me off because when he told the teacher Dakota lied and said that it was an accident and that she'd already apologized to Sam. uumm not! Kids are so funny and weird at this age. So many hormones running wild.

I made sam an Eye appt for next tuesday. He's been having problems with his eyes bothering him and getting blood shot. Thankfully the kids insurance will pay all but I think $10.00 so that's doable.
I also made shelbie an appt for Feb2nd beause she told me last night that she's been seeing spots! Freaked me out a bit so because she's never had an actual eye exam I thought i'd better get her one. I just hope her eyes are healthy. It worries me.

My cousin Josh had another episode with his heart yesterday. I've not heard what the Dr said about it yet. I'm praying So hard that God will heal his heart so that he doesn't have to have surgery.

Update on Gramps

I went to see grandpa yesterday and he is doing a bit better. Thank you God. He was sleeping when I got there and after about 10 min or so the nurse came in with his meds and so we woke him up to take them and the Cafeteria lady came in with his lunch too. He woke up easily and was very coherant (sp) He even got up and sat on the edge of the bed to eat. He ate almost all of his lunch which was a Big change from the day before when he didn't eat Anything all day. My grandma had gone to eat lunch with my Aunt E and Aunt M and when they got back Grandma was Really suprised to see how much lunch grandpa had eatten. He's still really weak but the dr who Finally came in! Said that his chest Xrays were clear and that if he continued to improve that he'd get to come home Thursday! Praise God. I think that my grandma and my Mom thought that Grandpa wasn't going to be with us much longer. But he's So very stubborn. lol. I'm so thankful that he's feeling better. I can't wait to hear how he's doing today

My Cousin and My grandpa

My poor Cousin Josh may have to have open heart surgery. They are not for sure yet or not. I think it's depending on what the heart monitor that he's wearing says. He's been having episodes with his heart again and nausea and feeling bad. So the dr put him back on the monitor. I thought he'd been on it all along but apparently according to my mom when I talked to her today they just now put it on him agian. The dr he's been seeing at the childrens hospital said that He's not capable of doing the surgery because it's very envasive. They would have to open him up and go directly into his heart this time. There is a Pathway in his heart that they've been tring to fix all this time and Thought they'd fixed it but nope. It is now into the heart muscle now and it's impossible to fix the way they'd been trying to before. I feel so bad for Josh. The poor kids been through so much. I've asked a Lot of people to pray for him. I know they will help because i've got first hand experience with that!

My Grandpa is in the hospital. I just found out Today! Yes today! I'm so sick of this Shit of no one telling me what the Hell is going on in my own family!! My Dad told me that my mom had taken him to the Veterans hospital to see the Dr yesterday after his diaylisis because he was spitting up blood. But in Reality (That no one bothered to tell me!) He was At diaylisis and my Mom had taken my granma to Walmart to get groceries and while mom & Gran where there a woman that has D at the same place as Gramp had mom paged at walmart because they took my Grampa by Ambulance to the Hospital! Mom left her full cart right there and took off with Grandma to the hospital. My Dad didn't bother to tell me that Shit! Why the hell doesn't anyone tell me this stuff! Am I that unmemorable in my own family that No one thinks to tell me? I'ts beginning to feel that way. The Drs don't know where the blood is coming from yet so grampas still in the hospital. I want to go see him so badly. But it's now sleeting So i'm depending yet again on my Mom to call me and let me know how he's doing. I Told her that she'd Better call and tell me this time or else the shit will fly. Sometimes I don't feel so much a part of this family. Especailly when I'm forgotten. *sigh*

Not Pregnant.

Well I am Not pregnant. AF started last night with it's usual spot and now is definetly here in full force. I have to admit that i'm relieved. Not because we didn't necessaryly want another baby, I was just so incredibly Terrified of ever Losing another baby. Somedays I Still feel like i'm Still picking up the pieces of my heart. I don't think i'd be able to put my heart back together again if I ever lost another baby. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of Zachary. I miss him so much. So even while i'm relieved....

I'm Sad.

Yep Sad. Stupid I know. How can I be both relieved and Sad at the same time? I think I started thinking about babies and What IF I was in fact pregnant. I think just that thought of the Possible baby was enough to make me dream just a little about "What if"
hummmm. What if? Guess it just wasn't ment to be.

Bored and other stuff.

I Hate days like this. Here I sit at home, alone and I have So much stuff to do. But i'm just not wanting to do it. I know I know i'm lazy. lol. Not really though i'm bored. I was hoping the school would call me today to come and Substitute but Nope. I've not subbed since December! crap! I don't know why it is but on the days I Can't sub is the day that they call me! But on the days where I get up and get ready To sub they never call me. I've been thinking all day about my "Situation" that some of ya'll know about. I think the only people who know what i'm talking about are the only people who read this anyway. lol. I keep feeling like Af is on her way. I wish she would. But then when I Really think about AF coming I get a little sad. I know i'm Stupid! I'm just terrified. And what makes me sad is I don't want any of my dear friends to think that i'm not Thankful for even the Chance of being pregnant. kwim? I just know in my heart that I really don't think i'd make it if I lost another baby. plus the stress and anxiety on Billy and especially Sam. After all the stuff he went through after we lost Zach and I almost died I don't know how he'd do if I am pregnant. I guess i'll find out one way or another friday. today is 12 days past. I would test today if I had a test and the money to get one. lol. Billy hasn't said anything about the possiblity of me being pregnant. I hate to even bring it up. I guess we've just got our heads in the sand right now. Boobs are a bit sore but then they would be anyway. lol. I don't know what the hell is going on. I do know i've been praying a lot about it and I know that God has it under control.
Well guess i'd better get some stuff done even though I Really don't want to . ARrrghghhgghh Don't make me!

Shelbies First Reading book.

OMG My baby is growing up to fast. :( Today she brought home her very first reading book. Ya know, the kind that the Teacher sends home for the child to read to the parent. I couldn't believe it. My baby girl could read it! I know it wasn't so much her reading the words as it was kinda reading the picture but it's a Start. I can't believe that she'll be Really reading before long. where do it stop? Next thing I know it she'll be in College and then married and then haveing babies of her own! NOOOOOOO! It's to soon.

Trying to Lose weight.

Is Hard! I mean hard. I guess i've lost about 1 pound so far. Thank God for that. But I need to lose at least 59 more. I can't believe i've let myself get into this sad a shape :( I've never been what some call skinny I was to active in softball for that. I had muscles and was Fit. I looked great. if I do say so myself. lol. Then after I stopped playing ball and started ttc a baby (Sam) I started to gain weight. slowly but gaining. Clomid and depression helped that alot. I remember I weighed 149 when sam was 2 years old. I'd gained about 60 lbs when I was pregnant with him and kept that extra weight after he was born. Then one day at church my Uncle Kurt asked me to help him move a table in the fellowship hall, i jokenly said " but i'm a girl, i'm not supposed to do stuff like that lol" And then He jokenly said " Oh but your a BIG GIRL" Man that hit me like a ton of bricks. I Was (am) a Big girl. So I started diet pills from the Dr and started working out Everyday. I lost weight big time. I looked So good and felt even better and then we got pregant with shelbie lol. I didn't gain that much weight with her but after she was born and I was home with 2 kiddos all I wanted to do was Eat. And boy did I ever and the weight started creaping back on. And then getting told I have hypothryoidism and it made it even harder to lose the weight. Now i'm trying again. without much success I'd say. I Know what will work with me. Low carb is about the only thing that helps me lose weight but right now with our $$ situation it's hard to buy the food I need for it. Excusses excusses I know. lol. Well gotta go cook supper. Add another pound to me. :(

And a 1 and a 2 and Everyone sing it with me...

Me and my shadow, walking down the avenue..
Ok i'm done now lol. But that is what my darling daughter is yesterday and today. My endless shadow. Please don't get me wrong I Love my daughter more then I need my next breath but omg the last 2 days are driving me Nutso! No matter what I do or don't do she has to be rightthere with me. I love that she wants to be with her mommy, I really do because I know that in the coming years that will come to a screaching halt. But the constant mommy I want and mommy I need nad Mommy this and that are wearing on me this weekend. She's not sick ( thank God) she's just whiney! And omg if I had a freaking dollar for everytime she's hurt her heal or her finger or her leg or her whatever I'd be a Millionare! I know it's only for attention but ENOUGH. I've bandgaged boo-boos non-stop. lol. And If I do get her to play with Sam it ends up in a B I G fight. I threatened to make them Both go to bed at 5:00 pm I ment it too!! I'll do it by gosh. lol I just don't know Why they can't seem to get along for more then 1.2 seconds. Then shelbie has to tattle on him about something or nother. Can you tell i'm getting cabin fever!? we're stuck inside and it's drving me batty. I wish we had some extra $$ so we could get the heck outta here but nope. Oh well, such is live I guess. a Big part of me is Hoping and praying that they go to school tomorrow. Well see if it Does do anything with the weather or not. They're saying that for sure we're going to get some freezing rain and sleet. Yeah right. I'll believe that when I see it.

Been awhile.

I just realized that it's been a little while since I wrote anything. There really hasn't been that much to write about lol. Guess life is smoothed out a little. Which is Wonderful. Well other then the "Worry" I have but i'm feeling like that will be Ok. Shelbie and Sam had dentist appts yesterday. Just checkups. Shelbie had a Wonderful appt. for the first time Ever. She had No cavities or problems with her teeth. That is Seriously the first time ever she's not had any kind of problems. Thank God. Sam has 3 cavities though. 2 on baby teeth that happen to be loose so the dentist doesn't seem worried about them and not going to fill them. But one is on a permant tooth so he's going to have to have a filling there. They go back in feb for that. Shelbie is getting sealents on her teeth in hopes that it'll keep her from Getting cavities. She's had it before and i'm not real sure it even really helps but oh well. maybe it'll help her teeth.
I haven't subbed any this week. :( I am hoping that they will call me next week for sure. We need the Extra money for sure this month. With insurance and loan payment both this month. Makes it extra expensive! We're supposed to get some rain and possibly Sleet and freezing rain this weekend. But i'll believe it when I see it. The weather men around here suck! They never get it right. lol

Back To school.

Well the kids went back to school yesterday. Finally lol. I was more then ready that's for sure. The kids on the other hand,, not so ready to go back. Shelbie tried to get outta going back by saying she was sick. but we got her in a better mood and by the time the bus came she was happy and ready to go. Sam was ready. I think he was getting bored being home with just us. lol. I was glad to have the house back to just Me too. I got a lot of things done around here which was nice. I'm Finally feeling better Thank God. I'm still coughing a bit but it's mostly just a dry cough. My ear is still a bit stuffed up but it's better too.
Today I mostly just stayed around here and cleaned house and vegged. I needed that for sure.

Resolutions?

Do I or do I not? Make New years resolutions that is. See I make em' Every year and then a week maybe less later they are broken. lol. So I don't think i'll make them this year. I think i'll just make an "I want to" List. LOL

Ok here's my I want to list:

1) I Want to Lose weight. I weighed myself last night at my cousins house and lets just say OMG! I weigh more then i've Ever weighed.. Period! Enough! I need and Want to lose about
60 lbs. 5 pounds at a time!
2) I want to be a better mom. I want not to only spend More time with my kids but Better time with them. Make Every moment count.
3) Be a better wife. I Love Billy with my Whole heart and I want to make sure he knows it!
4) Eat Healthy. I know that goes with losing weight but I want it in a place by itself. I eat like crap! Whatever is handy and not caring about nutritional value or fat or anything. That also means feeding my whole family better. More veggies and less fried stuff.
5) Ok This one is a bit embarrasing because not many people know this about me but... I Smoke! Yes, I smoke. Damn it! I stopped the second I found out I was pregnant with All my kids and then after I lost Zachary I didn't plan on starting back but the stress of it all and I caved and started again. I'm very upset with myself. :( I know i'm not ready this second to quit and I know from past experience that I Have to be ready. When i'm ready i'm going to talk to my dr about wellbutrin again. It helped me quit in the past.
6) Be a better Christian.
7) Be a Better friend, To always try my hardest to be there for the people who mean so much to me. I've been So incredibly blessed to be surrounded by friends in real life and my dear friend online and I want to be as good a friend to Them as they are to me.

Ok i'm gonna check back here in a few weeks and just see how many of these " I want to" s that i'm keeping up with LOL.