Now Sams sick.

Sam got up this morning to get ready for school and had a bad sore throat. Poor kiddo. I looked at it and it's Really Red and spotted. Just like when he's got strep. So I started him on Meds today. I feel so bad for him. He wanted to go to school, which is amazing lol and great but he was running a slight fever and didn't want him at school feeling so bad. Shelbie had to ride the bus by herself today and Cried and cried. I felt like THE worst mommy ever to make her go. But She has to learn to do things for herself. She's so dependant on Sam to take her to her room and she Knows how to get there. It's Easy to find. it's a small school. lol. I'm praying all morning that she's ok and stopped crying by now.

Put up the Christmas Tree

Don't know why but I forgot to blog this lol.
Shelbie was so excited ever since Thanksgiving was over wanting to put up the Christmas decorations. She kept after me over and over all day Friday to put it up. Billy was off work that day but he was hunting so I had to try to get all the decorations out of the storage building myself. Shelbie helped of course lol. Sam didn't want anything to do with getting the stuff out of the building. I got the Tree out and we took it into the house and I went back out to the shop to get the boxes of decorations. I took One step into the building and a Mouse took off running across the base of the wall! Now i'm not really Scared of mice but I don't like them lol. So I decided right there and then that Billy would get the boxes out of the shop! Shelbie was Pissed! Threw a little temper tantrum and got put in time out because of it all. But BIlly got home not to long after that. And we got it all set up. The tree is beautiful if I do say so myself. 7 ft tall and huge. really to big because it takes up almost all of our dining room so our table is shoved up against the counter now. But it's only for a little while so I can deal. Sam Loved helping with the lights and putting the decorations on. I was doing great until.. Until I found my Angels. My angels for Zach. The one my mom bought me and the one my wonderful friend Jen bought me last year. I just held them both in my hands and tried so hard not to cry. I lost that battle fast but tried to hide it from the kids. They ask so many questions when I cry. I didn't want to get into it all. I just kept thinking how Zach should be here. This would be his first christmas. he'd be 7 months old by Christmas. He'd be trying to get into things and i'd be buying presents for him. But i'm ok. I'm trying not to dwell on it. But I Love to look at my angels and imagine anyway. It's ok to imagine

It's Funny the things people tell themselves to make them feel better

Yesterday I was out at my parents house waiting to get the kids off the school bus. My dad was home and we were sitting there watching Dr.Phil. He was/is trying to help 2 Twins get off herion. One is 6 months Pregnant! Yep Smoking, snorting, shooting up Herion and Pregnant. Oh and smoking. I guess she's Off herion now or whatever but Dr.Phil was all over her for smoking and being pregnant. YOU GO DR.PHIL! He asked her What she was going to tell her child after it was born about smoking when she was pregnant. He told her she might as well be sprinkling Arscinc on her baby right now! So I got to thinking. What is it that my cousin who is pregnant right now tell herself when she's smoking? What excuse? I'd Really like to know. My cousins SIL, the one who had her baby right after I lost Zach told her that " Oh heck T smoking doesn't hurt the baby when your pregnant!" " Just look at Mckayla, she's here and fine" I wanted to Bitch slap her! See I know what she was telling Herself, I Didn't matter! To her her babies health was second after her right to smoke. I think that all her kids are second to Everything else in her life. She has 2 boys from a previous relationship and then she and my cousin D have a little boy K who's almost 2 and then SHE decided she wanted another baby so that she didn't have to go to work. Yep her words not mine! So even though D Did Not want another baby she threw away her birth control pills and got pregnant. just like that. she got what She wanted and to hell with her other kids Or husband. I guess I sound jealous. But i'm really not. I'm bitter I guess. Bitter because some people seem to get Everything They want no matter what they do or how they act or live their lives. While there are SO many women that want a baby more then Anything on Earth and are denied over and over again. women who would make The best mommies in the World. It makes me sick. It makes me So mad. Here my cousins wife is with 4 kids now and doesn't give a shit about them. They are Always filthy with nasty matted hair and smell. Now don't get me wrong. Getting dirty is Not a problem But Staying that way is. A little soap and water would work wonders. And yes they have that. They have a house that was Given to them. A minivan that was Given to them. She works for Nothing. And appreciates less. I'm not saying that getting things for Free is always wrong. Crap when Sam was a baby Billys mom/Dad gave us my BILs old car he didn't drive anymore. But We appreciated it and told them Thank you everytime we saw them. And we do things for them too. Help them with whatever we can.
Man I guess I really despise her alot. When I see my cousins wife anywhere I just want to go Postal on her. I know someones gonna read this and say I need some therapy lol. Maybe I do. How do I let go of the bitterness? The Unfairness of it all?

Not much on the job front

I've not heard anything yet about the job I applied for. I really have no idea when I will really. She said that she'd leave the job opening up on the school website for awhile. But how long is awhile? I don't know if someone already working at the school has already snatched the job up or if a lot of people have applied for the job or what. I wish I knew. Maybe i'll get the nerve up to call and ask. lol. I've been thinking a Lot about the job and I really think it'd be perfect for me. I love computers lol as evidenced by how much i'm on mine. and I Love kids. I still miss working at Head start teaching the kids too. I have a good friend who is a home visitor for our local head start and everytime I talk to her it makes me miss working for head start. It was such a rewarding job. I Loved being able to help a child who couldn't even write their name or recongize letters or numbers and work with them and then see the amazment and excitment in their little faces when they do it for themselves. Of course there were bad things about HS too. I got Death threats against me for turning parents in for Sexual abuse against a child one year. Yep. Death threats! He was a Scummy skuzzy creap who hurt a child in a way that No child should ever be hurt and DHS never did a thing about it! We turned him in over and over for it. I still to this day wonder how that sweet baby girl is doing. I had her in class when she was THREE! Sick bastards out there! I pray she's ok.
But the more I think about the job I pray that Gods will be done. He knows if this job is what is best for me. And if I don't get it then i'll keep subbing and keep praying that The perfect job for me comes along.

Just for my records TMI

I actually got AF on my own again! Yah! Cramps like crazy. OUCH! but i'm glad she's here on her own.

Happy Birthday Zachary in Heaven

Mommy can't believe it's been 1 year since you left us. I woke up this morning and felt like I couldn't breath when I remembered what today is. I feel like there is a Hole in my heart that everyone can see if they look. But so few people do. I don't know what I expect. Everyone to remember or everyone to forget? I really can't expect a day that forever changed me to be a day that everyone remembers can I? Then why do I expect it? I guess I just want the world to come to a screeching halt and not start back up till tomorrow.
This time last year I was getting ready for my Dr appt, taking the kids to my MILs and then got the most horrifying news that our baby had died. how can something be a year old and still hurt so much? I remember the Dr trying over and over to get the heart beat and couldn't, she made a joke of it like she was losing her touch or whatever, but I knew then that something was not right. and then during the U/S I knew the second that wand touched my tummy. Zach wasn't moving. No heartbeat. my baby was dead. OMG! My heart just burst into a million pieces. then having to call Billy and tell him. and then go home and get him and come back for the D&C. I remember them taking me back to the surgery room to do the D&C and honestly the last words I almost said on this earth were I LOVE YOU to my husband. during that D&C I almost died. The Dr punctured a hole in my uterus and didn't notice it until I was in recovery. Then had to be rushed back to the surgery to stop it. I don't remember that or the mad 95 mile per hour Ambulance ride to the bigger hospital. I don't remember my wonderful loveing husband almost losing it in the parking lot because the nurses told him I may not live through this. I was taken asap to ICU. hooked up to lifesupport and my family told i'd be on life support for at Least 1 week and in ICU for at least 2 weeks. I had 2 complete blood transfusions Plus I don't know how many bags of blood. I had to have insulin too because of the blood. The next thing I remember I woke up while on the life support and trying to talk to billy and the nurses. They were amazed I was awake because of the meds they give you on life support. They try to keep up unconsious. But I wouldn't stay asleep. I remember trying to do sign language but honestly don't know sign. So I ended up writing on paper, I still have it. Wow. A year.
So now that a year has gone by does that mean that now i'll mourn less? Does that mean my heart will finally heal?
Something tells me probably not.

Mommy Loves you so much Zachary. I miss you with everything in my heart and soul. I wish you were here with me right now. But I know you're happy and safe in heaven with God and the other babies. So play and have fun and every once in awhile look down from heaven and blow me some kisses. Mommy will blow them back to you. I Love you so much.

Shelbies feeling better.

Her throat is still red but it doesn't seem to be bothering her as much as yesterday. I'm So thankful. Poor baby was miserable last night and afternoon. today I kept her and sam both home. Justbecause sam wanted too. lol They've been pretty calm today. :) Shelbies feeling better but i'm so glad she's not running through the house like usual. lol.

Applied for another job

NOt only am I a subbing Fiend But i guess i'm an "applying for a job fiend" too. lol. My cousins Emailed me thursday night about a job opening at the primary school. K-2nd grades. I Love it down there. Around all my little ones :) Years of Head start does that to you. lol. So I was going to talk to the princapal anyway but my cousins DH D who is also Billys Best friend is the school board president and Talked to the princepal about me! OMG Talk about a shock! D hasn't liked me much for about 13 years or so. Big misunderstanding which caused a Huge fight for which D has never forgave me, even though I had nothing to do with what he was mad about! Stupid I know! But anyway he gave me a great refferance! The job is Computer lab/ Lunch room duty/ Teacher Aide. I'm really excited about the possibility of it but too i'll admit i'm Really nervous! I've not had a F/T job in Over 10 years now! Ahhhhhhh! *can you hear me screaming?* But I Need a job. Billy has been about the only bread winner in our family for years and years and it's time for me to step up and help. Plus I Despertaly need a new vehicle. well maybe not "New" but new to us. And something that runs better then my truck. I have No idea if this is even a Permanent job or not because the listing on the website says for the "Remainder of the school year" so I don't know if that' s a trial thing or what. I guess i'll find out during the interview. I subbed Everyday last week but wednesday. So that's going to be a Great paycheck for when we all go to Branson to Christmas shopping! I get to go this year. Last year I was in ICU and they went without me. :( Don't blame them though. So i'm praying about this job but i'm not praying to get it. I'm praying that IF this is the job for me that Gods will be done he knows if it's THE job for me or not. Tomorrow i'm taking in my application.
And shelbie now has a sore throat and it's Red and swollen. We may be taking a trip to the Dr tomorrow too. Yikes!

Not much going on.

Not to much going on lately here. I got to Sub all day yesterday for my cousin Sarah. She teaches 4th grade. it was a good day. She had all the stuff out for me w/ great instructions and her kids were really good. They sure like to talk but they were good. I don't know why but I get soo tired by the end of the day of subbing. it's not like i'm chopping wood all day or something lol. I think I need to start taking vitamins again. maybe that would help. I took the kids to school today, shelbie had a Turkey project for school and I knew it'd never make it there riding the bus lol So I took them in. I got a few groceries and Billy suprised me in walmart. :) ahhh. he was getting his hunting liscense. So he walked around the store with me. I swear just seeing him makes my heart skip a beat. I Love him so much. now i'm home trying to get some laundry done. I bought some lysol and i'm going to spray my Whole house with it! Billys sick with a cold or soemthing and Sam now has a runny nose and cough. I don't want the sickies to go around here like at school. what I would really Really love to do is lay down and take a nap. Thank God tomorrow is Saturday. I'm praying the kids will let me sleep in. I could use the extra sleep. shelbie was so tired the other day that she fell asleep at 7:30! I was so worried that she was getting sick but she's fine. :) Plus she slept All night. The sleep sure helped her surley attitutde that next morning. She was in a great mood. she's usually hateful and grumpy! Billy bribed shelbie and Sam w/ $6.00 to be good this week. LOL I don't even care. It's working and I'm sooo glad. no fights this week and they are both in great moods. I told Billy to give them $6.00 next week too. lol. Hey if it works. lmbo!
I'm praying hard for all my friends too.
Jen (EC) I'm praying Especially hard for you sweetie. I know that God has a baby out there Just for you. Don't give us hope.
Jen (VM) i'm praying for all the sickes to leave ya'lls house soon sweetie and everyone feel better fast.
And all my other friends out there (becky, elaina, Tanya, michelle, brid, etc.. I'm praying for ya'll too. HUGS

November already

I can't believe that almost a year has passed already. How did it get to be november already? I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in January. :(