Happy Birthday Zachary in Heaven

Mommy can't believe it's been 1 year since you left us. I woke up this morning and felt like I couldn't breath when I remembered what today is. I feel like there is a Hole in my heart that everyone can see if they look. But so few people do. I don't know what I expect. Everyone to remember or everyone to forget? I really can't expect a day that forever changed me to be a day that everyone remembers can I? Then why do I expect it? I guess I just want the world to come to a screeching halt and not start back up till tomorrow.
This time last year I was getting ready for my Dr appt, taking the kids to my MILs and then got the most horrifying news that our baby had died. how can something be a year old and still hurt so much? I remember the Dr trying over and over to get the heart beat and couldn't, she made a joke of it like she was losing her touch or whatever, but I knew then that something was not right. and then during the U/S I knew the second that wand touched my tummy. Zach wasn't moving. No heartbeat. my baby was dead. OMG! My heart just burst into a million pieces. then having to call Billy and tell him. and then go home and get him and come back for the D&C. I remember them taking me back to the surgery room to do the D&C and honestly the last words I almost said on this earth were I LOVE YOU to my husband. during that D&C I almost died. The Dr punctured a hole in my uterus and didn't notice it until I was in recovery. Then had to be rushed back to the surgery to stop it. I don't remember that or the mad 95 mile per hour Ambulance ride to the bigger hospital. I don't remember my wonderful loveing husband almost losing it in the parking lot because the nurses told him I may not live through this. I was taken asap to ICU. hooked up to lifesupport and my family told i'd be on life support for at Least 1 week and in ICU for at least 2 weeks. I had 2 complete blood transfusions Plus I don't know how many bags of blood. I had to have insulin too because of the blood. The next thing I remember I woke up while on the life support and trying to talk to billy and the nurses. They were amazed I was awake because of the meds they give you on life support. They try to keep up unconsious. But I wouldn't stay asleep. I remember trying to do sign language but honestly don't know sign. So I ended up writing on paper, I still have it. Wow. A year.
So now that a year has gone by does that mean that now i'll mourn less? Does that mean my heart will finally heal?
Something tells me probably not.

Mommy Loves you so much Zachary. I miss you with everything in my heart and soul. I wish you were here with me right now. But I know you're happy and safe in heaven with God and the other babies. So play and have fun and every once in awhile look down from heaven and blow me some kisses. Mommy will blow them back to you. I Love you so much.